I'll never be her
by Atsushishi
Summary: Gray knows he loves Natsu. He also knows Natsu will never love him, he won't look at Gray like he looks at Lucy. One-shot that developed into a long story. OOC-ness, Gray's point of view.
1. Never be her

It was a pleasant day at the guild, everybody talking and laughing with each other.

Except for a certain ice make mage, sitting alone at a table in the corner.

A sigh slipped through his slightly chapped lips.

Tired eyes scanned the room, finding their desired target across the room.

With _her._

Gray let another sigh escape the confines of his mouth, his cobalt eyes drifting back to his empty glass.

He heard the light, bubbly laugh of one of his teammates. _Her._ Along with her giggle, there was the unmistakable chuckle of the pink candlestick standing next to her.

Natsu.

The most perfect human ever. Well, in Gray's eyes.

Seeing Natsu with Lucy sent a pang through Gray's chest. He knew Lucy wasn't intentionally trying to hurt him, but seeing them together was too much at times.

He wanted Natsu for himself. Not for Lucy, not for Lisanna, not for anybody but him.

He wasn't sure why he felt how he did, but the ice mage had recently discovered emotions deep inside him, felt only for the dragon slayer. It was a strange feeling, and it was hard to describe. When he saw Natsu, he felt heat flush his face, and a warm, fuzzy feeling went through him. His stomach did these due!b little flips, and a strong feeling of trust and admiration flowed through him.

There was just something about him that made him special. Maybe it was the way he never gave up, and fought until he could no longer stand. Or the way he cares so much about Fairy Tail and all of his nakama. Natsu always had a smile on his face, and he knows how to brighten someone's day. There's also his perfect pink hair, and the way his scarf falls in such a way that shows without words that he's proud to wear it, which is weird because it's just a scarf. Not to mention, Gray had to admit Natsu had a very nice body, exposing it 24/7 with his vest.

Natsu, Gray had decided one day, was perfect in just about every way. Even when they bickered and fought each other, the raven haired teen was happy.

Too bad his feelings won't ever be returned.

After all, Natsu probably didn't, _swing that way_. Plus, it was obvious the fire mage had something special with Lucy, or so everyone was saying. Always going to her house, asking to go on missions with her, never paying the slightest attention to Gray. Well, except for when they brawled.

Feeling a pain in his chest and the sting of tears behind his eyes, Gray decided to go. Sliding out of his chair and walking to the door, he was almost at the handle when a certain water woman stepped in front of him.

"Gray-sama! You're leaving already?"

"Hey, Juvia. I'm tired,so I'm heading home."

"Huh? But, it's only a bit past three..is Gray-sama not feeling well?"

"I'm fine, just didn't sleep well last night."

And with that, he flung open the door and half walked, half dragged himself home.

About fifteen minutes later, Gray opened the door to his small house. He had already lost his shirt somewhere along the way, so he shrugged and wiggled out of his pants, then flung himself onto his half-made bed in his messy room. He wasn't lying at the guild, he really was tired. He stayed up thinking about basically everything to think about, his active mind preventing sleep. Even now, in the quiet peacefulness of his house, he found himself picking at a thread on his blanket instead of sleeping. With nothing else on his mind at the moment, his thoughts gradually drifted to Natsu.

Rolling over and shoving a pillow in his face, the raven let out a groan of frustration.

It just wasn't fair.

He was relatively close with him before, the two of them usually going on job requests together or just hanging out.

Until Lucy came along.

Gray cared for his new friend, obviously. But ever since she showed up, Natsu rarely ever glanced in his direction any more, and the only times they were even near each other was when they fought.

He hated it.

It's not fair.

Gray sniffled.

It's not fair.

He wiped at his eyes.

It's just not fair.

Small beads formed at the edges of his eyes.

It's just _not fair._

He felt that damned pang in his chest once more, and his breath hitched. Finally, Gray stopped fighting it.

Just this once, while nobody is looking.

Just this once, he'll allow himself to be weak.

Gripping his sheets and leaning on his pillow, Gray let the tears fall, and made no effort to stifle the pitiful whimpers and small sobs. Eventually, those small sobs grew louder and more frequent, until soon the ice make mage couldn't stop the tears even if he tried.

She took his place.

Screaming into his pillow, he repeated himself in his mind. ' _It's not fair. I love him. It's not fair. I was there before her. It's not_ _ **fair.**_ _'_

He let the onslaught of tears continue on.

She took him.

It's her fault he's feeling this way.

Lucy probably doesn't love Natsu.

But Natsu could love Lucy.

Another wave of jealously washed over him, and sadness flowed through him. Feeling weak and vulnerable, he laid down completely and hugged his pillow.

Natsu would never love him.

He loves Lucy.

He never looks at Gray. He can't possibly even like Gray, let alone want to love him. After all, all they ever did was shout and punch each other.

It was killing him, not being able to let the dragon slayer know how he feels.

He would just have to find a way to accept it; Lucy and Natsu probably love each other, and he is now a thing of the past.

Sliding under his covers and holding his pillow tighter, Gray slowly closed his eyes, beginning to drift into an uneasy slumber. His tears had stopped flowing, but the crying made him feel as tired as had been in a long while. He felt weak, his thoughts still attacking him.

He would never be good enough. Why would Natsu even consider Gray as nothing more than his nakama? Natsu would never love Gray.

He just needed to accept it.

He would never be her.


	2. Night

**I'm sorry it took like a year to update this ! I hope you'll like this though, I'm planning on making something big happen chapter three though !**

Tired onyx eyes slowly slid open, examining the room around him.

It was so dark out.

Gray's eyes flicked up, towards the window, revealing pitch black skies. What time was it? Lifting himself up, he turned and looked at the large grandfather clock in the corner, displaying _2:17_.

If course it wasn't morning. He had fallen asleep at four in the afternoon. His eyes were still puffy from his fit.

Laying back down, he shoved the blanket that had pooled around him, suddenly feeling warm.

Gray ran his slender fingers through his black hair, but stopped midway. When was the last time he had cleaned up?

Maybe a shower would help clear his head of all the negative thoughts, lingering from last night's rage.

He managed to push himself out of bed, shuffling towards the bathroom door. The tiled floor was freezing cold.

He flicked a switch, and bright light flooded the bathroom, momentarily blinding Gray. He squinted, adjusting to the light before looking at his reflection.

His shirt was all sweaty and gross.

His hair was oily and slick.

His face was puffy from crying, and his eyes were red.

He sighed, peeling off his clothes and stepping into the shower.

And maybe a shower really was what he needed. Once the hot water hit his face, Gray felt himself relax. He took his time, enjoying the warm water gracing his body, thinking about little nothings.

After a hot, cleansing shower Gray felt rejuvenated, free of all negativity.

Until he looked in the mirror.

What he saw still disgusted him.

He wasn't cute.

He didn't have a soft face.

He didn't have big, bright eyes.

He didn't have a cute laugh or a light voice.

He was still someone who couldn't compare to Lucy.

Gray felt his face flush with anger. Why couldn't it just be him?

He grit his teeth, clenching his fist.

Why couldn't he be in Lucy's place?

His nails were digging into his palm, nearly breaking the skin.

Why, why _why?_

Anger bubbled up in his chest, and without thinking, Gray raised his fist and brought it to the mirror, once, twice, three times. Screams ripped from his throat, filling his small house with bitter noise.

"God fucking _damnit!_ Why can't it just fucking be me!? I was with Natsu _first!_ I know him better than you _ever_ could!"

Gray continued to scream long after, until he felt he could scream no more. That was when the tears fell again.

Fuck.

He hated crying, he hated feeling weak. And twice in this short amount of time? He must be growing soft.

Taking deep breaths, he willed himself to calm down.

In, out, in, out.

Once his chest felt lighter, Gray picked his head up, looking at the damage he had done.

He really wished he hadn't looked up.

Broken glass littered the counter, sink and floor. Blood stained some of the shards scattered about. What was left of the mirror now reflected distorted images.

Gray scowled, knowing he would have to clean it up sooner or later- soon if he wanted to use the bathroom without cutting his feet up.

But first, his hand.

He hadn't really felt any pain until then, anger being his main emotion, but now that he had calmed down he felt the sharp pain, throbbing in his fist.

With a grunt he pushed himself off the floor, avoiding the broken glass. He walked to the medicine cabinet, looking for a bandage he could wrap around his hand.

He had injuries much worse than a cut hand. Hell, he's probably broken a few fingers just scuffling with Natsu.

Still, he took care to clean and dress his wound properly, if only to distract himself.

Since there was no point in procrastinating, Gray began cleaning the mess he had made. Slowly, but surely.

Sweep up the shards on the floor.

Pick the glass out of the sink.

Wipe the blood off the surfaces.

Cover the disturbed mirror.

Put the broom away.

Turn the light off.

Walk out of that cold room, back to the warm bed.

Gray grunted as he plopped down on his bed, glancing at the clock.

 _3:23._

He was wide awake.

The stars were bright, prominently displayed across the night sky.

It was nice.

Nice enough to be outside. There was nothing stopping him.

He stood back up, searching for his shoes and pulling his black jacket on. He was used to being cold, but his favorite jacket provided him a sense of comfort.

Gray unlocked his door, stepping out into the night.

It was much warmer than he had presumed; it felt good against his skin.

He stayed rooted in the same place for a few minutes, just staring at the world above him, enjoying the night.

He raised his hand, as if he could latch onto the scene, so he could always have a piece of this moment with him. Perhaps being a star would be nice, too. He would always be a part of something beautiful.

Gray closed his eyes, inhaling. A small smile formed on his face, and he felt free.

But eventually, closed eyes had to open.

He lowered his hand, knowing that he could never be a part of that world. He could never be where he truly wanted.

And maybe for tonight, that was okay.

Gray didn't want to go back inside, back to all those negative thoughts. A little walk wouldn't hurt him.

He hadn't really planned on going anywhere; he was simply walking. So why did he find himself at the front of the guild?

He eyed the huge doors in front of him, as if his piercing stare could burn them down, revealing the answer.

He brought his fingers to the door, slowly. He pushed down, revealing not an answer, but the inside of Fairy Tail.

Maybe that was his answer.

Fairy Tail felt more like home than his actual home. For years the guild gave him a place to go when he was upset, it gave him a place where he felt loved.

Gray loved Fairy Tail dearly. He loved all of the guild members, even bastards like Laxus and that baby Elfman. He cared deeply about Juvia, almost like a sister. Hell, he would lose it if even Gajeel were hurt.

Gray took slowly stepped inside, far enough for the door to shut behind him.

He even cared about Lucy. Even if she took Gray's place.

He wandered around, dragging his fingertips across the rough surface of the tables. The guild felt so different when it was dark, empty.

The person he most cared about was Natsu, of course.

He slid into the spot he usually sits in when the guild is full, across from Natsu's usual seat.

Even if Natsu was an idiotic hothead who would fight if you so much as looked at him the wrong way.

Even if he didn't feel the same.

Gray's outstretched hand lay on the table. He imagined Natsu sitting across from him. Just the two of them. They could talk like they used to, without Lucy. They could show the emotions they wanted, no holding back. They could laugh together, cry together. They could laugh at all the stupid things they say to each would throw slight insults, laughing when the other reacted.

They could be happy together.

He had known Natsu since they were children, and even then they bickered the way they do today.

He never failed to make you smile, though. There was something about Natsu that made you feel happy inside, no matter what.

Something about him made you want to keep fighting.

And Gray would keep fighting. He would always be by Natsu's side, no matter the circumstances. He was his best friend, after all.

Gray sighed, pressing his ear against the aged wood. He felt more comfortable here than at home. Only positive thoughts filled him here. He felt comfortable enough to sleep.

He had a long night, after all. There was no harm in sleeping here. He shifted into a better position, yawning. His eyelids drooped, and he let sleep overwhelm him.

 **I know this chapter was just Gray but don't worry ! It'll get better probably**


End file.
